


Do you know me better, better than I know myself?

by Drhair76



Series: sing to me instead [1]
Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: F/M, Fuck you canon, M/M, Payton Hobart needs a hug, Polyamory, astrid has feelings, au where river didnt [redacted but if you know then you KNOW], i just wanted them to be happy and in love, i love them a lot, river loves them a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 13:43:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21037172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drhair76/pseuds/Drhair76
Summary: So when Payton walked into AP econ with his sweater untucked and his jaw clenched tight, Astrid inhaled sharply. She didn't panic, because she was Astrid Sloan and Astrid Sloan didn't panic.or, Payton is having one of those days and River is out because of a doctor's appointment.





	Do you know me better, better than I know myself?

**Author's Note:**

> um, this show makes me emotional.  
(also i've been listening to ben's album on repeat all day so,,,,blame him)

Astrid doesn't consider herself to be much of an empathetic person. 

She wasn't the best at that stuff and maybe it was due to her father being an unfeeling bastard or maybe it was just her. Maybe she was fucked up. 

But it was probably why she is so attracted to River. He has empathy pouring from him like, well, like a river. He could caress when all she could do was claw. It was like his superpower. People like River Barkley or Infinity Jackson just had something that no one else could possibly dream of. 

The capacity to feel for and with others and to comfort them to the best of their ability. (Which, according to many, was extremely good.)

But while she wasn't that good at comfort, she was observant.

Seeing that Payton's shoulders were tense as a fucking tree log or that he'd twitch and shuffle away from James or McAfee's hands was easy. It was the same way that she could see right through River's halfhearted smiles or quick deflections; reading them had become second nature. It was like a language that she didn't need to study to know. 

So whenever Payton was looking particularly stressed or like more of a mess than usual, Astrid would sigh, long and heavy, and push River over to him. 

Luckily, at least one of them knew how to handle emotional vulnerable people because otherwise their life would be like a semi-tragic Netflix television drama. 

River would pull Payton into a little alcove and have him do some deep breathing or kiss him until he relaxed or expertly and gently pry to get Payton to open up to him. And afterwards, Astrid would find the two of them, sometimes with drying tears on their faces and sometimes not, in the library. She sit beside Payton and get all in his space obnoxiously, leaning against him and swinging her hair so it brushed against his cheek, and when he wouldn't flinch away, she'd bite back a sigh of relief. 

River would turn knowing eyes onto her and reach across the table to grab both their hands and they'd sit there in a triangle. Payton would fiddle with the ends of Astrid's locks and just before she started to tap her foot impatiently, he'd start speaking. 

"Thank you." He'd pause. He'd duck his head. "For helping. For seeing." 

River would smile, his pearly white teeth showing, his eyes crinkling at the corners and Astrid would nod. A silent 'always'. A silent 'of course'. 

But today, River had a doctor's appointment. So when Payton walked into AP econ with his sweater untucked and his jaw clenched tight, Astrid inhaled sharply. She didn't panic, because she was Astrid Sloan and Astrid Sloan didn't panic. She _did_ narrow her eyes at Payton as he sat in the seat across the aisle. 

He avoided her gaze, instead intently focusing on taking out his notebook and a mechanical pencil. 

Astrid sighed but this time she couldn't send River over to help him. She'd have to try. 

So she cornered him during lunch. Just grabbed his hand and pulled him out into the courtyard, onto one of the spots that she reserved for just the three of them that she knew for a fact would end up being used by all of Payton's- and by extension, her- friends. 

She sat him down and stood there, looking down at him with expectant eyes. 

"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong or am I gonna have to stare at you until you're uncomfortable?" 

Payton, with his eyes trained on the pavement, huffed an exhausted laugh. "Who said I wasn't already uncomfortable?" 

Astrid briefly debated just dropping it and guiding Infinity to him later, so she'd at least be able to sleep guiltless tonight, but she could already see River's slightly disapproving but understanding smile. 

_ "Authenticity Astrid." He hums. "I know you. And I know you can." _

_ "How do you know?" _

_ And River would shrug, smile and turn away. "I believe in you." _

So Astrid sucked it up and sat down next to him on that stone bench. Payton was tense, nervous, but his face was steady and determined- determined not to open up. 

"You-" She paused. How the hell did River do this? "You don't have to talk to me. You don't have to talk if you don't want to." 

Payton blinked and glanced up at her with wide eyes. Astrid felt herself soften, which- was a feeling that she didn't really enjoy but- 

She didn't entirely hate it. So. 

"But you _could_ tell me." She finished quietly. "If you wanted." 

Payton gazed at her for a little while longer before shifting his gaze back down to the pavement. Astrid bit her lip lightly because _shit, did she say something wrong? She knew she should've just told Alice-_

"I don't know." Payton started quietly and Astrid's internal stress immediately grinded to a halt. She leaned closer to hear him better because he was still looking down at the ground. "I used to not have to deal with things like this." 

He looked up and Astrid was shocked to see tears building in his eyes. 

"Things like what?" She tried to keep her tone soft and found that it surprisingly easy to do so.

Payton looked away again, this time fixing his gaze across the courtyard where a gaggle of students were laughing and pushing each other around. 

"Feeling feelings for no real reason." He sighed. Astrid frowned and he huffed out a laugh. It was a tired laugh. "It's exhausting. And I can't even properly explain how or why I feel this way." 

Astrid watched him watch the other students for a moment before taking his hand and lacing their fingers together. She looked away when he looked at her in surprise. 

"I think- I think that's okay." She said slowly. "I think it's okay to feel without knowing why. To not have an explanation or any reason. It makes you human." 

Payton sniffled. "I- I guess so." 

Astrid nodded. "Yeah. And if you feel tired then come to my house. We can take a nap together. All three of us." 

She looked at him now and found herself smiling for no real reason. Maybe it was because he was looking at her, tears still in his eyes, with a grateful look. Maybe it was because he was smiling back at her. 

Or maybe it was because that was real and this was real and maybe she didn't have to be perfect at something to be good at it. 

**Author's Note:**

> me, blissfully ignoring canon? you bet.


End file.
